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"Its amazing what I let my heart go through, to get me where it got me, in this moment here w/ you." [27 Jan 2009|05:36pm]
[ mood | loved ]

Sooo, a lot has changed since the begining of June. :)
I tried to update shortly after the holidays, but my house computer should be condemned. It's terrible and wouldn't let me type.
Now that Im at school, I have plenty of time to waste online.

Since June... I've changed. I've learned. I've grown up. I've hurt. I've cried. I've laughed. I've hated. I've loved. Pretty much the general things that occur over time... but it feels different. I feel stronger and like things are finally coming together.

This year was the first year that I've ever had, as gay as it sounds, a "special someone" to share the holidays with. From making the Halloween Ghost, decorating our Christmas tree, waiting to play World Tour at midnight, and a New Years kiss, even though we ended up watching South Park instead of the ball dropping... it was awesome. I'm glad I really got to experience the holidays with someone I really really love and someone that makes me so happy. Im not trying to like brag or anything to anybody. I'm more so putting this in here, not expecting anyone to read this really, for my own purpose to look back on. And to look back and realize how happy and lucky I am to have found something so great and real with someone I've always had a spot in my heart for, who can always make me smile and just make the bad things disappear, who is also a best friend and means more than almost anything to me. How lucky am I?!... and I know it too. Me... Kylie... the one who spent 21 years getting screwed over and walked on, NOW knows what it feels like to be completely, totally, truly loved and cared for... ME!... I am so, so grateful for it. I love him so much. He's my Teddy. :)


I think I'm gonna leave it at that.

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*When push comes to shove, you taste what you're made of.* [07 Jun 2008|12:38am]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I don't even know why I'm updating this right now.
I guess cause it's been forever and I was thinking about it, but I'm really not in the best of moods.

Getting your wisdom teeth, plus some, taken out is not fun.
Surprsingly, I havent been in much pain and I didn't noticably swell.
I have been bored out of my mind for 3 days because I cant drive on my pain meds, which make me super emotional and also make me not sleep or eat properly. Its an on-going cycle. It sucks.
I couldn't have gotten them removed on a worse week either.
Jess is states away.
Todd is down the shore.
Coley's grand-mom passed away on Tuesday. :(
John's at school.
People work and everyone else is just too busy to make time for me, I guess. And I cant drive.
I've been doing NOTHING but watching Heroes, playing Guitar Hero, and sleeping when the medicine permits.
It sucks. Big time.
It wouldn't be so bad if I had someone here to keep me company or to take care of me a little, like I would if any of my friends were going through this. Given the circumstances of people, apparently thats not very possible, so I deal with it on my own as per usual.

I can't wait for this to be over with.
I want my mouth not to feel numb.
I don't want to cry everytime I take this medication.
I want to eat normal again.
I want to drive somewhere.
I want Rita's for pleasure, not because it's the only thing I can eat.
I also do not want any more soup after this for a long time.

Sorry for the rant... blame it on the med's.

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*I'm only up when you're not down, don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground.* [23 Apr 2008|11:55am]
[ mood | happy ]

So I didn't go to work cause I had a doctor's appointment... don't fret, it was just a "check-up"... well, more like a check-"in" given which doctor it was. haha.
The weather today is awesome.
I'm planning on enjoying it as much as possible since I have nothing else to do.
Drive 'round with the top down, maybe go to the park, sit outside and read or listen to music, maybe draw or write a little... sounds amazing.

No work.
Got to sleep a little late.
Great weather.
Alex starts his job at Sam's Club tonight.
Nothing due for school tomorrow.

I'm happy.

*...I can't be perfect
No one is flawless
But rest in mind
I'll be there through the good and the bad
and the ugly and worse
So if it's something that you're lacking
Go and tell me first

Cause I'm smart enough to know
that this is a good thing, yeah
Smart enough to stay right where I belong...*
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*And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend.* [20 Apr 2008|12:22am]
[ mood | happy ]

Ok, so excluding the update I JUST did, it's been about 2 months since I last updated. :/ Oops. A lot has happened, 2 months is a long time. I can't remember everything, nor would I want to make you read all that crazy unimportant nonsense.

School is school. The future of which stresses me out horribly.
Work is work. Some days are great and some are awful.
I probably hung out with Jess 93% of the days that made up the past two months and on each of those days many funtimes and laughter was had.

The main thing that has occured is that Alex moved back home a month or so ago. :D I missed him so much.
I may mess around and tease about how I "hate" him or want him to leave, but I can't even express how awesome it is to have him living in my house again. I spent forever cleaning out my room and making space for him, but it's well worth it. It makes me so happy that he's back and his head is "at the right level". Its amazing how someone could come to be a best friend in such a short period of time. I missed him.

Also, Tom has moved back to Jersey. Although Im not sharing a room with him, it's good to have him back too. It may have been under not-so-great circumstances, but everyone deserves a second chance to get things together. I wish it was easy, but its not. I'm hoping this time will be different and I'll have the old Tom back.

I do want to say that I am so happy that I have such amazing friends. Seriously, I know I've said it a million time before, but I don't know what I would do without you guys. You know who you are. You're the ones who make me smile without even trying. You're the ones who can say one word and change my bad mood into the best mood ever. You're the ones I text at 3 in the morning and call at 4 in the morning when I need to talk about something. You're the ones who RESPOND and ANSWER when I do it. You're the ones that make me laugh until I can't breath. You're the ones who make me feel loved no matter what. You're the ones I can say or do anything to without worrying about it. You're the ones who mean the world to me. You're the ones I love with all my heart.
I would not be who I am if I didn't have the awesome friends that I have... I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to any of them. I'd be lost. I love you. And I've never meant those words more.

*You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't
I drive myself crazy
Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make
But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me

It's amazing to me
How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort.*
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*So much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart.* [20 Apr 2008|12:09am]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

This entry is dedicated to Todd (and not just because he's making me).
I don't think it's going to be too long, but you can only say the same things so many times.
Todd is amazing. He knows it too. Everyone does.
I love him so much. There's very few people who have such good timing when it comes to sending me little out-of-the-blue nice texts that are much needed at the time.
He doesn't deserve anything that he has to go through. I wish there was something I could do to make things better, but I can't. So, I guess I'll just keep being here for him as always... just like he is for me.
He really is the best. I'm so glad that, for whatever reason, all those years ago, we became friends. I dunno what I would do without him.
Todd, I love you so much. You know that. It will never ever change.

P.S.- He's also amazing in bed.

*Well you showed me
How it feels
To feel the sky
Within my reach
And I always
Will remember all
The strength you
Gave to me
Your love made me
Make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me.*

<3 Danny <3
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*These are some good times, so take a look around.* [16 Feb 2008|02:10pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

As it turns out, I had a really really good Valentine's Day.
I had class and did pretty bad on a test, i think.
Despite that, it was good.
I went out to eat with Todd.
Exchanged my Guitar Hero, so now I have one that works!! :)
I went to Barnes and Noble with Coley.
Then I went to the movies with Jess and Todd to see "Definitely, Maybe". I enjoyed it. I love Ryan Reynolds. <3
Then I came home and talked to Alex for a long time, as usual. Pretty much the only way my day could have been better would be if he was here.
It was a really good day, for no real reason either... possibly because the day before that was an horrible day.

Yesterday I had work, then went right to Jess's.
Basically, we did nothing but play RockBand (rockband!) and Guitar Hero all night, with a few shows thrown in between.
Buuuuttttt I GOT 100% ON A SONG IN ROCKBAND!!! I was playing the drums on MEDIUM too!! :D Thats so exciting. Since I got 100% I got a 506 note streak!! AWESOMEEEEEEE.

Two good days in a row. And it feels like it might be three. <3

*You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this.*
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*I move this fast, and I make mistakes for my own sake.* [12 Feb 2008|04:29pm]
[ mood | thoughtful ]

So Avenue Q was most definitely the funniest show I have ever seen.
I knew it was going to be funny cause I knew all the music, but It was so much better than I ever expected and that's saying something.
I am so freakin' happy that we FINALLY got to see it. It was awesome.
I can't wait to see it again. I think I'm in love.

The weekend was ok.
Nothing too special. Watched some shows.
Got to see Across the Universe, which I loved.
Their voices were so awesome. <3
I got a 472 note streak in RockBand!
I also did pretty good on Guitar Hero but my whammy bar got the Jess Curse and stopped working so I have to exchange it tomorrow which will probably erase all my high scores and such. Boo.
Big Brother starts back up again tonight. Hooray for something good coming from the writer's strike. I've also started watching Lost, which has a surprisingly accurate title. I enjoy it tho. Good American Idol starts this week as well.

It was/is snowing. I normally like the snow, but for some reason this year I haven't. Maybe because it hasn't snowed a lot. Maybe because it makes me wish people were here. Maybe because it makes me nervous to drive my car in. Maybe because it hasn't given me a day off of work and/or school. I don't know. It's just not doin it for me.

Valentine's Day is in a couple days. I'm not too sure how I feel bout that yet, so I'll get back to you on it. I do know that I wish I had work instead of school on thursday so I can enjoy it with the kids at work, but oh well.

I've kinda got a lot going on in my head. I think a combo of the weather and lack of good sleep made my mind really wander today. I don't know if it's really good or bad yet tho. I think it's a little of both.

I need something new to draw.


*If i follow all the rules, promise that i'll win?
Driven so confused that im going around in circles again.
Going around in circles again...
Hoping for something more then second place, first place or more.
Where will I be when I get to the end?*
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*I can make you feel special when it sucks to be you.* [06 Feb 2008|03:35pm]
[ mood | happy ]

The weather today is awesome and I haven't even had a chance to enjoy it because I don't feel good. :/
Other than my sickness, things have been really good.
Work is... well, it's work. But it's been ok.
My classes are going good so far. I have to talk to someone about transferring and all that jazz soon.

Coley's b-day was last weekend and that was fuuuuunnn.
I bought myself Guitar Hero for my Wii.
I think I'm addicted.
I'm going to see AVENUE Q tomorrow with a couple best friends!!!! :) Yayy! I'm so excited to see it, finally.
Speaking of best friends, Alex is coming home soon!! This also makes me realllly happy. :D

Overall, I'd have to say that things are going pretty darn good. There's not much I can complain about.
I'm happy and that's all that really counts.

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*I guess I must be wishing on someone else's star.* [27 Jan 2008|03:41pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Sometimes life really, really, really isn't fair.
Just when you think things are going good and normal, something happens and flips it around.
I'm not talking about something that is neccessarily bad, either.
Just something that happens and you're like 'What the hell? Why does this have to happen now?'.
It feels like I'm living a life where I just can't win... in some aspects, at least.
It sucks that I have to "suffer" because of other people's personalities or fears or whatever it is.
One day, I'm going to get what I want/deserve and it's not going to make other people very happy.
I'm really not going to waste my time sitting around waiting for things. If/when circumstances come up, I'm going to jump on them.
Once again, people are going to miss out on something great and live to regret it later. That's what always happens.
Oh well, at least I know it's not me and it's not my fault.
There's some satisfaction in that, right? :/

*...It happens all the time
To people that I know
Their wishes all come true
So I’ve got to believe
There’s still someone out there who
Is meant for only me

I guess I must be wishing on
Someone else’s star
It seems like someone else keeps getting
What I’m wishing for
Why can’t I be as lucky
As those other people are
I guess I must be wishing
On someone else’s star...*
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*I feel bad that I don't feel bad.* [22 Jan 2008|04:28pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Well, schools starting again. I'm not too sure how I feel about that. I'm happy because after these 4 classes I'm done at county... but I have no clue what I want to do after this. I also wish school wasnt starting so i could work and make more money.

I think I'm going to clean out my life and only keep the people and things who actually mean something to me and care about me in it. There's no point to keeping the other stuff around. Maybe if I do that I can actually start my life in the direction that I want it to go. I know who and what makes me happy, so I'm going to focus on that.

I feel like my eyes are finally open and that I'm way more aware of all the truths in my life. Don't get me wrong, things still confuse me and there is plenty of stuff that I'm not sure of. I just feel like a lot has cleared up for me in the past month or two. Some of it, I don't really like but some of it I like a lot. I guess it balances itself out eventually.

We'll see how this goes or how long it lasts. :P

*...I cant lie
All I want to do is turn the page
I feel Bad
That I can stand here strong
Cold as stone, Seems so wrong
I can't explain it
Maybe it's just
I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb Baby I hate it
I feel bad...*
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I AM the Guitar Hero... or not so much... [07 Jan 2008|10:20pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

This weekend was awesome.
Jess came home from Florida!!
RENT was absolutely amazing.
I GOT A Wii!!

It's been so freakin' awesome.
I cant even describe it.

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*Maybe I'm just a girl on a misson, but I'm ready to fly.* [01 Jan 2008|01:34pm]
[ mood | happy ]

So it seems that it's been a couple weeks since I last updated.
First off, Happy New Year! I hope everyone had a safe and happy NYE.
I don't really have time nor feel like going into complete detail about everything, so I will touch on 3 things.

1) Christmas was okay this year. It didn't feel like Christmas to me at all. It started to a little before, but once it rolled around it didn't feel different than any other day. I got a lot of seasons of shows which is awesome. My Family Guy collection is almost complete. I was feeling like crap Christmas Eve and Christmas day too, but I got to see Tom on Christmas day and a few days after that. It was fun, but it didnt really end on a good note. I still love 'em tho.

2) I really THOUGHT that New Years Eve was going to suck for me this year. I was expecting to be really down and like depressed because I didn't have any of my best friends to share it with this year, not to mention that I was feeling sick the day before and when I woke up yesterday I felt worse. Surprisingly, I actually had a good night... all thanks to Alex, really. It would have been way better if he was here, but spending like 6 hours on the phone really made a difference in my night. It was really fun. I love him. End of story.

3) JESS WILL BE HOME IN FOUR DAYS!!! Four. Just four days and I will have my smeagle back! Yay! I can't wait. I CAN'T WAIT! haha. :D

That's all for now.
Until Next Time.
<33 x0x0x

*I don't know what I want, so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do...
I'm just a girl tryin' to find a place in this world.*
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*The snow's coming down. Im watching it fall. Lots of people around. Baby, please come home...* [17 Dec 2007|09:29pm]
[ mood | blank ]

It's almost a week until Christmas and it doesn't really feel like it.
Over the weekend, it started to feel like it, but it hasn't really reached it's peak. Maybe thats because my family decided to wait until this week to begin shopping. This should be fun. I put up some lights outside and raked a LOT of leaves. I wish our leaf blower wasnt broken.
The weather sure fits the Christmas season though. Its cold as hell out there... and no snow. Boo.
I dont even know what I want for Christmas... or rather, what can be bought in stores. I wish that Jess was home... NOW, not in 19 days. Oh, I am SOOOO counting. lol. I wish that Alex was in Jersey and that John would be too. I'm really glad that Tom is coming home, if only for five days. Maybe Christmas won't feel so weird.
I want my best friends back... badly.

I have one more exam to take on Wednesday night and then im done for the semester. Thank goodness. I have to talk to someone to see exactly how much more I have to take to be done at County. Im thinking one class, which kinda sucks cause then i wont have health insurance. :/
We'll see what happens. I hate freakin worrying about this stuff.

I stopped by Jess's house today to drop off her sister's stocking that she gave me when i saw her. It was nice to see all of them. I miss them too. Ill be seeing them all soon tho.

I need to figure out my life. I need to figure out what Im doing or where Im going, because it doesnt feel like anywhere. Im ready to expand and to reach out to things, but they arent there.
I wish I could have some opportunities.
One thing at a time, i guess.


*...They're singing "Deck The Halls",
But it's not like Christmas at all.
'Cause I remember when you were here.
And all the fun we had last year.
Pretty lights on the tree,
I'm watching them shine.
You should be here with me.
Baby please come home...*
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*...What would happen if presents all went away, tell me what would you find??...* [09 Dec 2007|03:49pm]
[ mood | tired ]

Well, I figure its about time to update again.
I dont even know where I left off.
Last week I went to Florida to visit Tom and Alex.
I was only supposed to go from Friday to Monday, but i missed my flight and stayed until Wednesday.
I had so much fun. We didnt even do anything, but I loved being there.
It was seriously what I needed. I wish I was still there.
Its been a while since Ive been as happy as I was when I was there.
Toms coming to Jersey for Christmas, so thats awesome.
Jess will be home around January 3rd, Im anxiously awaiting that day. haha. I miss those three a whole lot. I cant even go into detail, theres not enough time in the day for that.

I went to see Cake with Coley, Patsy and Dawn at TWP's auditorium thingy.
It was a really awesome show. I didnt think I was going to have as much fun as I did, but i loved it.
PLUS I didnt end up running into a certain someone so THAT was great.

Christmas will be here soon.
Im happy, yet not.
I wish I had my best friends here to be with, but most of them wont be around and that really sucks. Its not going to be the same.
As of right now, tho, Im in a Christmas-y mood and its a good thing.
Hopefully that doesnt change.

*What if ribbons and bows didn't mean a thing
Would the song still survive without five golden rings
Would you still wanna kiss without misletoe
What would happen if God never let it snow
What would happen if Christmas carols told a lie
Tell me what would you find
You'd see that today holds something special...*
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[15 Nov 2007|01:35pm]
I'm just bored and in the library at school.
I actually should be reading or doing something else, but I am so done with today.
I can't wait to be done my classes for the day/night.
I think teachers must get together and pick one day to make all their major assignments due... and they picked last night and today, when I have four classes total.
Oh well. Two big things out of the way. Nothing due in the next class. One more big thing to go. Then I'm done... for now. haha.

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RANT [08 Nov 2007|04:30pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

The reason I felt compelled to update isn't to inform you all about what's been going on... it is for the other use of livejournal... to rant.
Not the show... companions.
I know who mine are. I know who cares about me and who actually is a true friend.
I consider myself fortunate to have a fair amount of them.
Then of course, theres the people or PERSON whom I THOUGHT was a friend, but am obviously mistaken.
I don't see where people think they can just drop me as a friend for no reason when they were the one who was so worried about not having my friendship, which apparently is so treasurable, in the future.
Contradictory? I think so.
Don't be confused though. I am not mad or bitter or anything.
I just think its funny... in a not-so-funny way... how someone could do that... and think its ok.
AND not only to do that once, but twice... after I was (in my opinion) overly nice and gave them a second chance to fix things and to try to be a friend. "Im gonna try to be a better friend. Im going to call you more to see how things are cause i really do care..."
Blah Blah Blah.
Seriously, just save it.
I can't believe I actually let myself become so close to you... and I didnt even see how you really are.
Sorry to say this, but it turns out this is one of the worst ways anyone has hurt me.
Like I said, don't be confused. Im not mad or anything. This is just how it is.
Im not sad anymore. Im not worried. Im not fighting back urges to call you. I dont care how you've been. I dont care how you are. I dont care. I seriously just dont.
NOBODY that I have considered a friend has EVER treated me the way you did/are... and believe me. It wont happen again... with you or anyone.
I have plenty of people who consider me one of the best people they've ever met, let alone one of thier best friends.
I just feel bad that you let yourself lose someone so great as a friend or anything else.
The only thing I want... is my Harry Potter book back...
Infact, I dont even want to see you cause im so disappointed/disgusted with your behavior... Im just going to buy a new copy.
Consider it a gift.

:) There. I think thats it.

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[20 Oct 2007|11:24pm]
Just doing a quick update to say how excited I am!!
Im leaving for Florida on Monday morning and I wont be back until Friday night!
I get to see Tom and JESSICAAAA!!!
:D Im so happy. Yayyy.

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*Finally gets to live her life that way. No fear. No fences. Nobody. No reins.* [10 Oct 2007|07:34pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

Sooo, a bunch of things have gotten accomplished.
I went to New York for the first time ever!
Coley took me cause shes the best.
It was a whole lotta fun. Coley stepped on a blind man, we saw some girl get arrested and talked to her friends, we waited for Michael Franti and somehow talked to the rest of the band, we walked like 60 blocks total, we went to Central Park... we did a lot.

I booked my flights and hotel for Florida!!
Im going to visit Tom for the day on the 22nd and then the next day we are driving to Orlando and then I got to spend the next four days with Jess!! Let the fun ensue.
I'm very excited. :)

I cleared my conscience of people who were making it negative.
Bet you arent surprised that I have yet to hear back from them.
Yea, me either. But I dont care. :)

Rascal Flatts came out with a new cd a couple weeks ago. I like it a lot. I enjoy their faster songs a lot more this time around.

Heroes is back and its amazing as ususal.
Im busy with work and school AS USUAL.
I feel like I havent really talked to anyone but Coley.
Im so worn out from everything. My weeks are packed.
I talked to Alex last night. Yay. :P
Ive read a couple more books.
Sung a couple more songs.
Laughed a couple more laughs...
Thats about it. :D


*...All she's ever felt is held back.
She says, "It's kinda nice to hear myself laugh".
She's gonna do a lot more of that.
She's makin' plans and makin' tracks.
She said, "Oh, oh I gotta go and find me"
Oh, oh she found the strength to break free...*
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[25 Sep 2007|09:44pm]
I don't really feel like doing a full update.
I've been pretty busy lately, but today I finally managed to take care of some personal business that Ive been trying to do for weeks now.
Im glad I said what I had to say.
Im not a person that people can just be friends with me when its convienient or when they need something.
Friends act like Friends. Plain and simple.

I got the new Rascal Flatts cd today. :D
I only got to listen to 2 songs that i didn't know, but i liked them.
Can't wait to listen to the rest, the titles seem good! haha.

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*Slowing down I look around n I am so amazed, I think about the little things that make life great.* [10 Sep 2007|09:11pm]
[ mood | okay ]

Basically, I'm getting my whole life organized.
I'm getting used to my new work schedule and school schedule.
It's been kinda rough. I have two really long days. Wednesday and Thursday. Monday and Tuesday are pretty good tho. I'm happy with the way things are right now.

Im excited for football season. The Eagles had thier first game yesterday. :/ They lost, but they did it to themselves. It wasnt a great game, but its only one.

I've been trying to get my friends in order too, but I cant cause people dont answer thier damn phones.
I've never felt like I had to give someone a choice or tell them that it's the last time I'm calling them because they aren't acting like the "friend" that they so desperately wanted to be.
I don't have time or patience anymore for people like that.
I know who my real friends are and you better step up or Im not going to keep trying.
End of Story.

*I didn't give a damn what you say to me
I don't really care what you think of me
Cause either way you're gonna think what you believe
There's nothing you could say that would hurt me

I'm better off without you anyway
I thought it would be hard but I'm OK
I don't need you if you're gonna be that way
Because with me, it's all or nothing

I'm sick of this shit, don't deny
You're a waste of time
I'm sick of this shit, don't ask why...*
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